it comes down to the fact that i don’t believe in myself. i don’t believe i can get to where i will be happy and actually stay there. i can’t even get to where i’m content and stay there for fucks sake. i’ll get to a point where i go ‘well, this is better than what i was’ and then i fuck up.
every.
fucking.
time.
fuck dinner, i’ll fake a stomach ache.
i suck, 152lbs.
somehow, i always end up back here.
i ate like a mad woman yesterday, which shows on the scale because i was under 150 on new years. i’m trying not to be so hard on myself this year. i’m trying to be a little healthier, not starve so much, eat when i want as long as its healthy. i’m aiming for at least 2 meals a day with a few snacks in between. it feels like a lot but I’ve noticed on the scales that i’m not gaining as much because i’m keeping u metabolism up.
old habits die hard though and i won’t be surprised if i’m back to fasting by next week. we’ll see i guess.
145. i really really suck at updating lately. 3 days to lose 5lbs? it’s not entirely impossible, but I’m not getting my hopes up either.
ever since greg got ahold of me again its been really easy not to eat. besides being ridiculously sick of course. he wants to meet up on Thursday to ‘talk’ and I’m determined to look better than i ever did when i was with him. i’m already 10lbs lighter than i was and i still have a week to lose more. i’m 148 right now, and i couldn’t eat if i tried anyways. even drinking hurts, which sucks but its also good. i saw myself in the mirror and for a second i thought i looked alright, but a closer look proved wrong. maybe one day :s
i feel like death, i’m going to try to not count calories until i feel better. i’m not going to use it as an excuse to over stuff my fat face, more so i just want to listen to my body. if i’m hungry, i’ll eat. i did this yesterday and lost weight anyways, probably because my throat hurts so bad and the only thing i can seem to eat is soup, but whatever.
i’m such a miserable fuck when i’m sick ):
i have been slacking terribly at updating. life is kind of hectic & last night was my christmas work party. i didn’t eat anything all day, drank too much and purged. woke up today at 150.5 so i’m pretty confident of getting to my gw by christmas. i guess breakfast isn’t all that bad. sure, it ups my calorie intake but i’m losing much quicker and with less effort. no complaints c:
my weight won’t fucking budge. i’ve been 152 all week and it’s so damn frustrating i could cry. i maintained 140ish last year and i was hardly even trying, now i’m giving it everything i have and nothing. so i ate a small bowl of special k for breakfast, if this doesn’t work i don’t know what will.
